Day 150

Apparently made some error as to when my dog sitting clients were returning and scurried out at great speed. Of course forgetting to return their bus pass.

Had brunch with Addy at Julia's and wandered around Wallingford. Returned home and watched Bones together while I packed.

Attempted to join a bunch of folks at a BBQ at Leigh's, but my brakes made a scary noise and I decided I had better just take my car into the shop in the morning instead. Stayed home and watched Law and Order instead of going out.

Teared up, but didn't cry. It is just so incredibly frustrating to never be able to get ahead. I know that every month I pay my rent and have electricity and can do everything by myself is a success, especially considering how I was raised. But I am just utterly demoralized by the constant strain of just squeaking by.

I know that almost everyone is a pay check or two from homeless (though they may not know it), and that I have family that will help me, but it kills me to ask for favors. It just burns. I'm sharp, well educated, and employed. I live within my means. I do what I am supposed to do. I just don't know what else to do. But there is clearly something that I'm not doing or something that I am doing wrong.

It is as though someone knew that I was getting that economic stimulus check this week and just wanted to see if they could fuck with me. Two years running my car has broken and taken up my tax return. So by now, I should be adjusted.

I keep being afraid that I will keep pushing ahead but that the status quo will stretch like the horizon. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm a fuck up.

Spoke with Grandma (she said my uncle James and Grandpa would come help me move, so that at least is good news), spoke with Steve to arrange dropping my car off, and spoke with Paul and Monica to cancel my attendance of a concert at Nectar.